A growing client base for my coaching business is couples. Some are newly married, some have been married a while and have children, some aren’t married yet or don’t plan to be.
No matter their marital status, the main friction I see in my couple clients is that they have not developed a common money language, which can inevitably lead to disagreements that can escalate into full-blown fights or avoidance all together. Both results can create deep silos where shared financial goals are almost impossible to reach.
A common money language with your partner isn’t easy to develop. But once it’s created and used on a regular bases, it provides (mostly) smooth sailing in your joint financial journey. At the very least, a common money language can provide the space to share challenges aloud and tackle them together.
According to Baptist minister Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages in relationships: gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time. As a part of a whole when you’re in a relationship, you may express love in one language and you may receive love in another language. You may have multiple love languages, as I do (physical touch and quality time). And your love languages may change over time.
In the realm of money, each of us learned a specific money language growing up. It may have been shaped by our upbringing crossing many intersections: our family culture, our neighborhood, our ethnicity, our community, our gender, our direct and indirect money experiences, our culture, our adult influences, our economic class, our country. Unconsciously, we bring this learned money language into our intimate relationships as adults.
After a few years of financial counseling, coaching, and education, and experiencing money myself, I’ve observed a few money languages much the way Chapman observed love languages.
Here’s my initial distillation of the 4 money languages we each might have:
The epitome of instant gratification, a YOLO (You Only Live Once) regularly indulges in impulsive spending, whether that’s on experiences such as travel and adventure, or on materials things such as clothing and gadgets. Impulsive spending is only a bad idea if you don’t have the cash and the safety net (i.e., emergency fund, retirement savings) to support the habit. If you have both, who am I to judge?
My love language is YOLO. I learned how to spend from my mom — to this day, she loves thrift shopping, digging for good deals and for real Louis Vuitton bags at Goodwill or Super Thrift. Going with her on thrifting trips were a staple of our weekends together growing up. As an adult operating on a non-profit income, I definitely needed to learn other love languages for the health of my wallet and the health of my relationship... But I deeply appreciate that thrifting is a much better alternative to buying new – thanks, Mom, for teaching me the ways!
The diametrical opposite of YOLO, Slow Burners are spenders, but they first prodigiously save for their immediate- or long-term goals. Slow Burners get a kick out of saving so that they can spend without worry of dipping into their necessary funds.
My partner, Conrad, grew up a Slow Burner. As a child, he received allowances in exchange for chores well done or helping with big projects. The summer he turned 14 years old, he saved up the cash he earned helping his dad build homes and made his first big purchase on his own – a bespoke bike which cost him about $600 at the time. A few summers later, he saved up enough to buy a $1,600 premium car stereo for his Ford Bronco. Conrad’s money language is Slow Burn, for sure, but I’ve also now taught him a little bit of my YOLO language and vice versa. A true partnership!
Givers cannot help but share their money with others, whether in the form of tithing, charitable giving, sharing with their family, or giving their time. They are the most generous with their money, sometimes to the detriment of their wallet.
An old coworker of mine, Gail, was a Giver through and through, giving both her time and her money to homeless shelters and food banks in her neighborhood. As one of our earliest girl dates, she took me to volunteer at her local food bank in Santa Monica. It was a new type of date, and I loved seeing her in her element in this space.
My dad is also a Giver. He was always the breadwinner in our family, but all the money he earned was given entirely to the family budget. Rarely did he ever spend that money on himself – in fact, I can’t remember a single thing he had bought for himself as a splurge. To this day, he also continues the habit of sending money back to his family in the Philippines, a tradition I hope to continue.
Nester Eggers don’t mind sacrificing the now to enjoy financial freedom later — whether that’s retirement or occasioanl work-optional situations. You’re a Nest Egger if you don’t splurge on yourself in this moment, but you certainly splurge when you make phat deposits into your savings and retirement accounts.
Nest Eggers might engage in FIRE — a growing movement of individuals gaining Financial Independence to Retire Early. FIREs specifically set aside upwards of 70% of their income into retirement savings in order to make this happen. It’s extreme saving and extreme earning for the sake of retiring well before 65.
My good friend Aaron is definitely a Nest Egger so that he can enjoy work-optional situations every couple of years. In fact, he’s in the middle of one such period with his new wife and kid. He is easily the most frugal person I know — rarely ever going out to eat dinner or rarely spending money on new clothes even though he may need it. If he does go out to dinner for, say, a friend’s birthday, he’ll eat at home first and not eat at the restaurant.
I’m also a big fan of Shang of Save My Cents, who retired in her 30s alongside her husband. In their 20s, they earned income in the triple digits and lived very frugally, living as college students and investing every extra penny for the goal of retiring early. And here she is, spending her retirement educating others in investing, which can be very intimidating. But she makes investing so approachable, fun, and actually possible to those who think it isn’t. #goals!
Knowing your money language will be key in building successful relationships. Once you can each name your money language, you can determine how your money language can complement your partner’s.
With my YOLO money language as the diametrical opposite to my partner’s Slow Burner money language, it was a little tough when we decided to fully combine our finances. Because of my impulse spending, I worried a little too much about my short-term situation. But thanks to Conrad’s Slow Burner tendencies, he helped me see the forest for the money trees and with him, I learned how to plan a little further out. In return, I taught Conrad how to enjoy his hard-earned money now, when it’s appropriate (and sometimes… I can be a bad influence when it’s not…)
Naming your money language and knowing your partner’s will add another dimension to your relationship. I’m excited for you to learn about each other this way!
Do any of these money languages fit you? Do you have multiple money languages? Are there any other money languages that I might be missing? Would love to hear from you!