I work with my clients as if dealing with money is a relationship because, ultimately, that's what it is. As we relate to money, we bring our different languages into it, learned by the adults in our childhood or by the experiences with money we acquire along the way.

How does knowing your money language help?

Knowing your money language can be helpful in understanding how you treat the money that moves through your wallet. Even naming it can enlighten you to how you think about money, how you act around money, or how you treat money. Once you name your money language, you can find ways to improve upon your money situation or acknowledge what you want to change.

In the realm of money, each of us learned a specific money language growing up. It may have been shaped by our upbringing crossing many intersections: our family culture, our neighborhood, our ethnicity, our community, our gender, our direct and indirect money experiences, our culture, our adult influences, our economic class, our country. Unconsciously, we bring this learned money language into our own relationship with money, and eventually, into the relationships we engage in with other people, especially your significant other(s).

In a long-term relationship where money can be challenging to discuss openly, naming your money language and knowing your partner’s will add another dimension to your relationship. No matter their marital status, the main friction I see in my couple clients is that they have not developed a common money language, which can inevitably lead to the inability to reach common goals or disagreements that can escalate into full-blown fights or avoidance all together. Any of these situations can create deep silos where shared financial goals are almost impossible to reach.

A common money language with your partner isn’t easy to develop. But once it’s created and used on a regular bases, it provides (mostly) smooth sailing in your joint financial journey. At the very least, a common money language can provide the space to share challenges aloud and tackle them together.

According to Baptist minister Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages in relationships: gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time. As a part of a whole when you’re in a relationship, you may express love in one language and you may receive love in another language. You may have multiple love languages, as I do (physical touch and quality time). And your love languages may change over time.

It is the same with the 5 Money Languages: you may have multiple languages at a time and they may have changed over time. You may think in one money language but act in another. I believe that knowing what your money language is can be very empowering and eye-opening.

The 5 Money Languages

After a few years of financial counseling, coaching, and education, and experiencing money myself, I’ve observed a few money languages much the way Chapman observed love languages.

Here’s my initial distillation of the 5 money languages we each might have. I'm actively researching this more deeply, so feedback is welcome.

NOTE: There isn't any ideal language that we each should have. Plus, each one can be a detriment to the individual or their family, even language number 4. I present these money languages without judgment, shame, or criticism but simply to put a name to how we interact with money.

1. YOLO

The epitome of instant gratification, a YOLO (You Only Live Once) regularly indulges in impulsive spending, whether that’s on experiences such as travel and adventure, or on materials things such as clothing and gadgets. Impulsive spending is only a bad idea if you don’t have the cash and the safety net (i.e., emergency fund, retirement savings) to support the habit. If you have both, who am I to judge?

My love language is YOLO. I learned how to spend from my mom — to this day, she loves thrift shopping, digging for good deals and for authentic Louis Vuitton bags at Goodwill or Super Thrift. Going with her on thrifting trips were a staple of our weekends together growing up. As an adult operating on a non-profit income, I definitely needed to learn other money languages for the health of my wallet and for the health of my relationship... But I deeply appreciate that thrifting is a much better alternative to buying new – thanks, Mom, for teaching me the ways!

2. Slow Burner

The diametrical opposite of YOLO, Slow Burners are spenders, but they first prodigiously save for their immediate- or long-term goals. Slow Burners get a kick out of saving so that they can spend without worry of dipping into their necessary funds.

My partner, Conrad, grew up a Slow Burner. As a child, he received allowances in exchange for chores well done or helping with big projects. The summer he turned 14 years old, he saved up the cash he earned helping his dad build homes and made his first big purchase on his own – a bespoke bike which cost him about $600 at the time. A few summers later, he saved up enough to buy a $1,600 premium car stereo for his Ford Bronco. Conrad’s money language is Slow Burn, for sure, but I’ve also now taught him a little bit of my YOLO language and vice versa. A true partnership!

3. Giver

Givers cannot help but share their money with others, whether in the form of tithing, charitable giving, sharing with their family, or giving their time. They are the most generous with their time or money, sometimes to their own detriment.

An old coworker of mine, Gail, was a Giver through and through, giving both her time and her money to homeless shelters and food banks in her neighborhood. As one of our earliest friend dates, she took me to volunteer at her local food bank in Santa Monica. It was a new type of date, and I loved seeing her in her element in this space.

My dad is also a Giver. He was always the breadwinner in our family, but all the money he earned was given entirely to the family budget. Rarely did he ever spend that money on himself – in fact, I can’t remember a single thing he had bought for himself as a splurge. To this day, he still continues the habit of sending money back to his family in the Philippines, a tradition I will continue.

4. Nest Egger

Nester Eggers don’t mind sacrificing the now to enjoy financial freedom later — whether that’s retirement or occasional work-optional situations. You’re a Nest Egger if you don’t splurge on yourself in this moment, but you certainly splurge when you make phat deposits into your savings and retirement accounts. 

Nest Eggers might engage in FIRE — a growing movement of individuals gaining Financial Independence to Retire Early. FIREs specifically set aside upwards of 70% of their income into retirement savings in order to make this happen. It’s extreme saving and extreme earning for the sake of retiring well before 65.

My good friend Aaron is definitely a Nest Egger so that he can enjoy work-optional situations every couple of years. In fact, he’s in the middle of one such period with his new wife and kid. He is easily the most frugal person I know — rarely ever going out to eat dinner or rarely spending money on new clothes even though he may need it. If he does go out to dinner for, say, a friend’s birthday, he’ll eat at home first and not eat at the restaurant.

I’m also a big fan of Shang of Save My Cents, who retired in her 30s alongside her husband. In their 20s, they earned income in the triple digits and lived very frugally, living as college students and investing every extra penny for the goal of retiring early. And here she is, spending her retirement educating others in investing, which can be very intimidating. But she makes investing so approachable, fun, and actually possible to those who think it isn’t. #goals!

5. Survivor

Survivors are folks who may have grown up with parents or adults who were constantly worried or anxious about money, and acquired that language as adults. Or these are folks who may have experienced housing insecurity or food insecurity for a number of reasons. Survivors may worry almost daily about whether they'll be able to cover rent the next month. Or they must choose between paying to put food on the table or paying for gas to take them to work.

Situations like these can leave individuals or whole families traumatized to some degree and in constant survivor mode, even when the money is no longer an objective worry. Survivors may eventually come into ample income and the capacity to cover rent. But the degree of trauma they experienced in survivor mode may still endure, and they may carry their trauma with them into the next phase of their financial journey.

Other Money Languages

I can't pretend I'm the first one to discover money languages, so I'd like to give credit to those who inspired this personal inquiry of mine. It's also worth exploring these additional models to go deeper into your own understanding around your relationship with money.

Christine B. Whelan's Money Languages

Christine's Money Languages is designed to help financial advisors connect better with their clients. Plus, it's research-backed: this model draws from the findings of sociology, psychology, and statistics and combined the expertise of interdisciplinary researchers and practitioners of consumer science and financial security. 

The languages: the planner, the worrier, the seeker, the believer, and the tracker.

Christine Luken's The Five Love Languages of Money

Coincidentally, another Christine has covered languages of money, but this Christine integrated Gary Chapman's existing languages and applied it to money. 

The languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts.

Money Habitudes

Money Habitudes is another model designed for financial professionals. It's an assessment that bridges the gap between feelings and money and helps financial professionals speak to their clients with the help of a fun card game.

The habitudes: planning, status, spontaneous, security, giving, carefree.

Which money language is yours?

I have no shame admitting I'm a YOLO. It definitely brings detriment every once in a while but nothing I can't handle, thankfully. With my YOLO money language as the diametrical opposite to my partner’s Slow Burner money language, it was a little tough when we decided to fully combine our finances. Because of my impulse spending, I worried a little too much about my short-term situation. But thanks to Conrad’s Slow Burner tendencies, he helped me see the forest for the money trees and with him, I learned how to plan a little further out. In return, I taught Conrad how to enjoy his hard-earned money now, when it’s appropriate (and sometimes… I can be a bad influence when it’s not…)

Do any of these money languages fit you? Do you have multiple money languages? Are there any other money languages that I might be missing? Would love to hear from you!